Ready to give up

No I am not ready to give up on life. I am ready to give up on counseling and medication. Mostly I am ready to give up on counseling. I guess that I will probably try one more medication to see if it will help at all. If it doesn't work (which I am guessing that it won't) then I think I won't be taking anymore medications either. I wish that I had never gone to the psychiatric hospital. They didn't help me at all. I know that they do help a lot of people, I just wasn't one of them. It is really hard to have any hope at all. I know that God loves me. I just don't know what I should do. I have felt that way most of my life, I just don't know what to do.

hospital and ECT

Well I have been in the hospital again, I have also completed more than 10 ECT treatments. Not fun.

2nd Nephi 6:11

'... many shall be afflicted in the flesh...'
I don't know if I will ever be better.

luvox

not sure why but I am trying luvox now, hopefully it will at least help me sleep.  I don't know if i am depressed any more but we are not making it financially, i hate to ask for help from my parents but that might be the only was short of more debt or food stamps or bankruptcy, my wife is serious about getting at least part time work, not sure how much that will help, but it will certainly add a lot more stress to our over stressed out family.  I feel like I am doing something wrong, or why else would this be happening, why, why, why

Back to work

I wanted to try to go back to work part-time to start out.  I was told by my manager that I couldn't come back to the same position either part-time or even full-time.  I have to work with someone else to see if I can even go back to work at all.  This is so frustrating, I want to try and work so that I can see if me feeling better is temporary or would go away at work, and they are making it so difficult to even try.  It also makes me very scared that I won't be able to go back at all and that I will lose my job.  I am really afraid to tell my wife.

Today was a better day

Bought the cheapest camera from Costco, it works pretty well.  I think it is the Olympus FE-20.  I think we will keep it as well.  I have been really guilty of buying things knowing that I will most likely return them in the future.  I hope I can resist that urge and just stick with this camera.  I sold my expensive Nikon SLR digital camera on Ebay to help pay for some medical bills.

My wife was in a much better mood, and to be honest that made almost all of the difference.

We ate together as a family at Chili's with a gift card that I got for my Birthday.  The dinner went pretty well for our crazy family.

So far I am only taking Sonata and Benadryl to help me sleep.  No other meds right now.  I am wondering if I will be willing to try anything other than a sleep aid on Tuesday when I meet with my Psychiatrist.

off all meds

I feel better than I have in a long time... it would be nice to be able to sleep though.