random II

I am so sad right now i don't want to keep feeling this way. sometimes it is all i can do to make it through the next 15 mins. i don't want to work. i don't want to talk to other people at work especially, what a pain. why do they still pay me, why am i still considered to be at a level that they wouldn't fire me. it seems insane, i almost wish i was laid off. actually i do wish it. i don't want to have to look for a new job but being forced might be a good thing. can i keep this up forever, will i make it to 65 and find out that i have fooled them for all this time, can i survive it mentally and physically. it doesn't seem possible but it must be like doing anything that takes 30+ years.. a day, an hour, a task at a time. I am so sad and anxious at times i just want to cease to exist, i don't want to kill myself i just want to cease to exist, i think of when i was younger and i had such intense mental struggles, i guess i was able to make it through school and had some friends, i was able to make it through college and get married and have kids, all this time being horrible depressed and anxious. i wonder if i have just fallen away from the path i was meant to follow, am i a lost case??? i don't believe that i am but i don't have any clue as to how to keep going, will my wife end up just hating me, sometimes she already does, she is depressed as much or more than i am, i expect her to keep going, i expect myself to keep going as well. who cares, i remember really identifying with existentialism in school, i know i need to care and believe that what i do actually matters but most of time i don't, most of the time I just don't do what i know is right, i don't have the energy, I'm not talking about doing really bad things, but just not doing the simple things that i know I should be doing, i probably waste 90% of the time that i am at work, some weeks it is closer to 100%, i guess there have been a few weeks where i have been able to make it to 75% to 80% but that is not often at all, i am listening to sunshine and summertime by faith hill, it is really good, i would buy it from amazon as an mp3 right now but i can't find it, i guess it is better that i don't since i am in massive debt and i don't really like to buy music anyway... i just want this small moment to last where i like this song and things don't seem so bad, i really hate writing... it is horrible, not as bad as public speaking but still horrible.. why do i worry so much about what i say, write.. that is really the reason i hate it.. because i think too much about what i am thinking and i worry what others will think... i know most of it is just crap... i can't say just some stupid crap to people in words or writing it really just hurts too much. anyway i am going to post this now...