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It is nice and warm outside. i wish I could go out and enjoy it. I need some peace and quiet. I love not having anything to do.

Yesterday

yesterday wasn't so bad at work, I was able to stay busy almost the whole day. Today the depression is hitting me pretty bad. I wish i could know if the zoloft is kicking in or not... only 8 days so far. probably to early to tell. I really truly wonder if I would be depressed if I was working somewhere else. I am so sad. Last night was hard at home. I can't be very supportive to my family when i am this sad and down. Will it ever get better.....

when it rains it pours

Today i was awakened by terrible pain... it was the second time in my life that I had kidney stones. I spent several hours in the ER getting drugged up. Thankfully I knew this time to not let them give me morphine, last time I threw up for days and it was worse than the kidney stones. I did feel like I was going to throw up when I left the hospital but I didn't. I took a zofran when I got home and it helped a lot.

how do you know when you are undepressed?

How do you know you are undepressed (well, not depressed)?

I know I have only been taking the medication for a bit, but when and how will I know it is or isn't working?

zoloft and ativan yipee!

Well I'm now on drugs.. I know it takes a while to find out if the are working.. I sure hope they will. I am so sick of living this way. They never worked well for anyone i know. Hopefully I will be the exception. I have to go back to work next Monday, I am not sure how that is going to turn out. The ativan makes me pretty tired. I am only going to take that one before bedtime.

I can't wait until Monday

I know i will but this has been the longest week of my life. I will see my family doctor for medication. I didn't think i would ever take medication for depression. I don't care anymore. I have to stop feeling this way. I missed most of last week for work. My manager and my mangager's manager are contacting me an making me jump through the hoops for short term disability. I am so afraid this is going to break me and I will never be able to work there again. I hate myself. I know I shouldn't but I do. this is only a moment in time.. it has to get better.

crazy job

my boss doesn't care how good of work I do or if I even do any work... as long as I have a client to bill to he is happy, but not only do I have to bill 40 hours.. he wants me to bill 48.5 hours a week whether I have the work or not.. he says, 'don't lie about your hours.' I can hear him winking over the phone though. I was also told that I have to work enough hours to make up for any vacation that I take.

I am frozen. I don't know what to do. I don't have the energy to do something else or look for something else. I can't earn enough at 99% of the jobs that I could get. Why am I dieing inside. This is insidious.

Panic attack

I have basically been having one big long panic attack all day today, it started the moment I woke up. man this sucks

insomnia

Here it is in the wee hours of the morning, I have been awake since 2:12 am. man insomnia really sucks. I just heard the birds start chirping outside. I am glad that it will be warmer soon. I get really sick of the winter. I guess I am getting older. I used to love the winter when I was a kid. I still like the really huge snow storms but those don't happen too often, to make the cold weather worth it. I guess at least it is good that I don't have to mow the lawn during the winter. I have tried watching some tv, reading stuff on the web, I just can't go back to sleep. it is going to make for a very long saturday.

Work

I told my manager I am depressed and having anxiety attacks at work. I told my mangager that this is affected how much I am able to produce when I am at work. I am really worried about how this is going to affect me. I am only slightly relieved to have it off my chest. I thought I would feel better.

free money

It seems crazy that I have had this blog for more than 2 months. I didn't think I would end up writing at all. Not that I really get any traffic here. I only have 1 decent backlink which brings in a couple of hits a day. The rest of the small amount of traffic I get is from random sources. I know that my writing sucks, and I don't really provide any reason for someone to come back and read again. I don't anticipate changing it any time soon though... sorry

Free 25 $

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random II

I am so sad right now i don't want to keep feeling this way. sometimes it is all i can do to make it through the next 15 mins. i don't want to work. i don't want to talk to other people at work especially, what a pain. why do they still pay me, why am i still considered to be at a level that they wouldn't fire me. it seems insane, i almost wish i was laid off. actually i do wish it. i don't want to have to look for a new job but being forced might be a good thing. can i keep this up forever, will i make it to 65 and find out that i have fooled them for all this time, can i survive it mentally and physically. it doesn't seem possible but it must be like doing anything that takes 30+ years.. a day, an hour, a task at a time. I am so sad and anxious at times i just want to cease to exist, i don't want to kill myself i just want to cease to exist, i think of when i was younger and i had such intense mental struggles, i guess i was able to make it through school and had some friends, i was able to make it through college and get married and have kids, all this time being horrible depressed and anxious. i wonder if i have just fallen away from the path i was meant to follow, am i a lost case??? i don't believe that i am but i don't have any clue as to how to keep going, will my wife end up just hating me, sometimes she already does, she is depressed as much or more than i am, i expect her to keep going, i expect myself to keep going as well. who cares, i remember really identifying with existentialism in school, i know i need to care and believe that what i do actually matters but most of time i don't, most of the time I just don't do what i know is right, i don't have the energy, I'm not talking about doing really bad things, but just not doing the simple things that i know I should be doing, i probably waste 90% of the time that i am at work, some weeks it is closer to 100%, i guess there have been a few weeks where i have been able to make it to 75% to 80% but that is not often at all, i am listening to sunshine and summertime by faith hill, it is really good, i would buy it from amazon as an mp3 right now but i can't find it, i guess it is better that i don't since i am in massive debt and i don't really like to buy music anyway... i just want this small moment to last where i like this song and things don't seem so bad, i really hate writing... it is horrible, not as bad as public speaking but still horrible.. why do i worry so much about what i say, write.. that is really the reason i hate it.. because i think too much about what i am thinking and i worry what others will think... i know most of it is just crap... i can't say just some stupid crap to people in words or writing it really just hurts too much. anyway i am going to post this now...

Anxiety Attack

I had an anxiety attack yesterday after coming home from jury duty. What a horrible experience. I don't usually get them when I am not at work or things are stressful at home. It was one of the worst ones I have ever had as well. I feel pretty good today but not great, don't feel any attacks coming on.

Saw a Psychologist today

I had a first visit with a psychologist today. Mostly it was just giving a family history, why I am depressed, general get to know me. She seems nice enough. We'll see how it goes. I am in a serious rut! She suggested meds and I told her that I am highly resistant to taking anything. We'll see if she tries to push them again. I wonder if I had a job that I enjoyed if I would even be depressed at all. I know my home life isn't perfect but I don't feel the intense pressure at home, like I do at work. Oh well no need to wonder, I don't have a different job and I won't have one anytime soon unless I get laid off.

I wish it were easier for people to leave comments on this blog. Sorry I would rather have it be hard I guess, rather than let the spam bots leave all of their cute little comments.

Anyone else having a hard time out there, Hang in there!

Career

In order to be in control of your life, you have to have a purpose—a productive purpose … A central purpose serves to integrate all the other concerns of a man's life. It establishes the hierarchy, the relative importance, of his values, it saves him from pointless inner conflicts, it permits him to enjoy life on a wide scale and to carry that enjoyment into any area open to his mind; whereas a man without a purpose is lost in chaos. He does not know what his values are. He does not know how to judge. He cannot tell what is or is not important to him, and, therefore, he drifts helplessly at the mercy of any chance stimulus or any whim of the moment. He can enjoy nothing. He spends his life searching for some value which he will never find.

"Ayn Rand," March 1964.

I don't agree with everything she said and believed, but she summed up my life with the above quote.

Analytics www.crazanity.com 200803 (Most Popular Content)

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The constitution does not provide a cure for every social ill

Chief Justice Burger, with Justices Rehnquist, White, and O’Connor, wrote: “in an effort to become an omnipotent [] problem solver[,]. . . the court distorts our constitutional function”; “the importance of a governmental service does not elevate it to the status of a fundamental right”; “assum[ption of] a legislative role [is] one for which the court lacks both the authority and competence”; “[i]llegal aliens have no right whatever to be here, and the state may reasonably, and constitutionally, elect not to provide them with governmental services at the expense of those who are lawfully in the state”; “the constitution does not provide a cure for every social ill, nor does it vest judges with a mandate to try to remedy every social problem.”

How true, too bad this is an anathema for liberals!