I want to be dead

I don't want to commit suicide (and I won't.) I just want to be dead. I can't stand living like this anymore. What do I do? How long do I have to wait. Why is this happening to me.

crazy job

my boss doesn't care how good of work I do or if I even do any work... as long as I have a client to bill to he is happy, but not only do I have to bill 40 hours.. he wants me to bill 48.5 hours a week whether I have the work or not.. he says, 'don't lie about your hours.' I can hear him winking over the phone though. I was also told that I have to work enough hours to make up for any vacation that I take.

I am frozen. I don't know what to do. I don't have the energy to do something else or look for something else. I can't earn enough at 99% of the jobs that I could get. Why am I dieing inside. This is insidious.

Panic attack

I have basically been having one big long panic attack all day today, it started the moment I woke up. man this sucks

insomnia

Here it is in the wee hours of the morning, I have been awake since 2:12 am. man insomnia really sucks. I just heard the birds start chirping outside. I am glad that it will be warmer soon. I get really sick of the winter. I guess I am getting older. I used to love the winter when I was a kid. I still like the really huge snow storms but those don't happen too often, to make the cold weather worth it. I guess at least it is good that I don't have to mow the lawn during the winter. I have tried watching some tv, reading stuff on the web, I just can't go back to sleep. it is going to make for a very long saturday.

Saw a Psychologist today

I had a first visit with a psychologist today. Mostly it was just giving a family history, why I am depressed, general get to know me. She seems nice enough. We'll see how it goes. I am in a serious rut! She suggested meds and I told her that I am highly resistant to taking anything. We'll see if she tries to push them again. I wonder if I had a job that I enjoyed if I would even be depressed at all. I know my home life isn't perfect but I don't feel the intense pressure at home, like I do at work. Oh well no need to wonder, I don't have a different job and I won't have one anytime soon unless I get laid off.

I wish it were easier for people to leave comments on this blog. Sorry I would rather have it be hard I guess, rather than let the spam bots leave all of their cute little comments.

Anyone else having a hard time out there, Hang in there!

Will I make it?

I don't know if I will be able to make it at my job... I think it is making me crazy. I have to earn an income to support my family. I don't want to change jobs or careers. I have made it this far. Unless I get laid off, I guess I will be able to keep going. I mean what are the chances that I actually have a mental breakdown. Pretty low I think. Do my kids know how unhappy I am? I hope that they can find happiness, and not be affected by my dissatisfaction with life. I seem so selfish, why can't I just be happy... for their sake.

Does Boredom lead to Depression?

I am so bored at work today. I am bored most days at work. I just can't believe that they pay me as much as they do when I don't produce that much. I am not avoiding stuff to do, there just isn't anything for me to do right now. Hopefully things will pick up around here, time goes so much faster when you have something to do.

Crazy-Sanity or Crazy-Insanity

You can make the call which you think the name of this site came from.