back home from work, adding lexapro

Well, I lasted 1 day back at work. I am off for another month. I added lexapro to my daily regimen of drugs. Very sad.

Going back to work tomorrow

I hope it goes well. I am very apprehensive, but I probably won't have to do much so it shouldn't be too bad. I might have to travel a little bit but that might be a good thing.

Not feeling so well

I am really tired and anxious (nervous???). I am stressed by my family. I thinks the depakote works for a little bit and then tapers off after starting or increasing the dosage. I wish I could just sleep this off.

a glimmer of hope

I feel better than I did last week after upping the depakote. I still am depressed but compared to last week it is much better.

a bad week

Well it was a pretty horrible week. slightly better today, after I increased the depakote at my doctor's request. I almost have convinced myself that the past month or so hasn't really happened. I still am anxious or nervous, not sure which. I just hope I can make it through this, I really want to be a good husband and father. I feel like such a failure. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on June 1oth. I am really scared to become dependent on medication or that the medication will just make things worse. I just hope I am doing the right thing. This should be the happiest time of my life...

Changed meds a few days ago

Now I am on wellbutrin and depakote, not sure how I feel, probably less anxiety though. I guess I'll take what I can get.

Still off work

I am still out from work. The anxiety and depression still aren't getting better. I am so sick of this. Time just seems to be crawling along. Hopefully it won't be too many more days until this medicine starts working, I don't think I'll be able to handle switching medicines.

This scares me

http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/major_depression.htm

80 to 90% of individuals with Major Depressive Disorder also have anxiety symptoms (e.g., anxiety, obsessive preoccupations, panic attacks, phobias, and excessive health concerns).

Mortality: Up to 15% of patients with severe Major Depressive Disorder die by suicide. Over age 55, there is a fourfold increase in death rate.

Premorbid History: 10-25% of patients with Major Depressive Disorder have preexisting Dysthymic Disorder. These "double depressions" (i.e., Dysthymia + Major Depressive Disorder) have a poorer prognosis.

Gender: Males and females are equally affected by Major Depressive Disorder prior to puberty. After puberty, this disorder is twice as common in females as in males. The highest rates for this disorder are in the 25- to 44-year-old age group.

Prevalence: The lifetime risk for Major Depressive Disorder is 10% to 25% for women and from 5% to 12% for men. At any point in time, 5% to 9% of women and 2% to 3% of men suffer from this disorder. Prevalence is unrelated to ethnicity, education, income, or marital status.

Onset: Average age at onset is 25, but this disorder may begin at any age.

Psychological stress: Stress appears to play a prominent role in triggering the first 1-2 episodes of this disorder, but not in subsequent episodes.

Duration: An average episode lasts about 9 months.

Course: Course is variable. Some people have isolated episodes that are separated by many years, whereas others have clusters of episodes, and still others have increasingly frequent episodes as they grow older. About 20% of individuals with this disorder have a chronic course.

Recurrence: The risk of recurrence is about 70% at 5 year follow up and at least 80% at 8 year follow-up. After the first episode of Major Depressive Disorder, there is a 50%-60% chance of having a second episode, and a 5-10% chance of having a Manic Episode (i.e., developing Bipolar I Disorder). After the second episode, there is a 70% chance of having a third. After the third episode, there a 90% chance of having a fourth.
The greater number of previous episodes is an important risk factor for recurrence.

Poor Outcome: Poor outcome or chronicity in Major Depressive Disorder is associated with the following:

Inadequate treatment

Severe initial symptoms

Early age of onset

Greater number of previous episodes

Only partial recovery after one year

Having another severe mental disorder (e.g. Alcohol Dependency, Cocaine Dependency)

Severe chronic medical illness

Family dysfunction

Familial Pattern And Genetics: There is strong evidence that major depression is, in part, a genetic disorder:

Individuals who have parents or siblings with Major Depressive Disorder have a 1.5-3 times higher risk of developing this disorder.

I want to be dead

I don't want to commit suicide (and I won't.) I just want to be dead. I can't stand living like this anymore. What do I do? How long do I have to wait. Why is this happening to me.

Yesterday

yesterday wasn't so bad at work, I was able to stay busy almost the whole day. Today the depression is hitting me pretty bad. I wish i could know if the zoloft is kicking in or not... only 8 days so far. probably to early to tell. I really truly wonder if I would be depressed if I was working somewhere else. I am so sad. Last night was hard at home. I can't be very supportive to my family when i am this sad and down. Will it ever get better.....

how do you know when you are undepressed?

How do you know you are undepressed (well, not depressed)?

I know I have only been taking the medication for a bit, but when and how will I know it is or isn't working?

zoloft and ativan yipee!

Well I'm now on drugs.. I know it takes a while to find out if the are working.. I sure hope they will. I am so sick of living this way. They never worked well for anyone i know. Hopefully I will be the exception. I have to go back to work next Monday, I am not sure how that is going to turn out. The ativan makes me pretty tired. I am only going to take that one before bedtime.

I can't wait until Monday

I know i will but this has been the longest week of my life. I will see my family doctor for medication. I didn't think i would ever take medication for depression. I don't care anymore. I have to stop feeling this way. I missed most of last week for work. My manager and my mangager's manager are contacting me an making me jump through the hoops for short term disability. I am so afraid this is going to break me and I will never be able to work there again. I hate myself. I know I shouldn't but I do. this is only a moment in time.. it has to get better.

Panic attack

I have basically been having one big long panic attack all day today, it started the moment I woke up. man this sucks

insomnia

Here it is in the wee hours of the morning, I have been awake since 2:12 am. man insomnia really sucks. I just heard the birds start chirping outside. I am glad that it will be warmer soon. I get really sick of the winter. I guess I am getting older. I used to love the winter when I was a kid. I still like the really huge snow storms but those don't happen too often, to make the cold weather worth it. I guess at least it is good that I don't have to mow the lawn during the winter. I have tried watching some tv, reading stuff on the web, I just can't go back to sleep. it is going to make for a very long saturday.

Work

I told my manager I am depressed and having anxiety attacks at work. I told my mangager that this is affected how much I am able to produce when I am at work. I am really worried about how this is going to affect me. I am only slightly relieved to have it off my chest. I thought I would feel better.

Anxiety Attack

I had an anxiety attack yesterday after coming home from jury duty. What a horrible experience. I don't usually get them when I am not at work or things are stressful at home. It was one of the worst ones I have ever had as well. I feel pretty good today but not great, don't feel any attacks coming on.

Saw a Psychologist today

I had a first visit with a psychologist today. Mostly it was just giving a family history, why I am depressed, general get to know me. She seems nice enough. We'll see how it goes. I am in a serious rut! She suggested meds and I told her that I am highly resistant to taking anything. We'll see if she tries to push them again. I wonder if I had a job that I enjoyed if I would even be depressed at all. I know my home life isn't perfect but I don't feel the intense pressure at home, like I do at work. Oh well no need to wonder, I don't have a different job and I won't have one anytime soon unless I get laid off.

I wish it were easier for people to leave comments on this blog. Sorry I would rather have it be hard I guess, rather than let the spam bots leave all of their cute little comments.

Anyone else having a hard time out there, Hang in there!

Mental Breakdown

Is a mental breakdown a real thing? How would you know if you are having one? It seems really strange that I would be thinking about this. I am still functioning for the most part. But I really feel very fragile right now. I don't think I would really be pushed over the edge right now, but what if I did...

Anxiety

Lately I have been feeling very anxious at work, I think the anxiety is coming from starting a new project, feeling overwhelmed, and not doing much real work. I feel like I could be laid off at a moments notice. I don't know what my family and I would do if I were to be laid off. Our expenses are way too high to be living off of unemployment for very long. I hope that I can get rid of some of this anxiety as I come up to speed on the new project.