I want to be dead

I don't want to commit suicide (and I won't.) I just want to be dead. I can't stand living like this anymore. What do I do? How long do I have to wait. Why is this happening to me.

Home

It is nice and warm outside. i wish I could go out and enjoy it. I need some peace and quiet. I love not having anything to do.

when it rains it pours

Today i was awakened by terrible pain... it was the second time in my life that I had kidney stones. I spent several hours in the ER getting drugged up. Thankfully I knew this time to not let them give me morphine, last time I threw up for days and it was worse than the kidney stones. I did feel like I was going to throw up when I left the hospital but I didn't. I took a zofran when I got home and it helped a lot.

Work

I told my manager I am depressed and having anxiety attacks at work. I told my mangager that this is affected how much I am able to produce when I am at work. I am really worried about how this is going to affect me. I am only slightly relieved to have it off my chest. I thought I would feel better.

Anxiety Attack

I had an anxiety attack yesterday after coming home from jury duty. What a horrible experience. I don't usually get them when I am not at work or things are stressful at home. It was one of the worst ones I have ever had as well. I feel pretty good today but not great, don't feel any attacks coming on.

Saw a Psychologist today

I had a first visit with a psychologist today. Mostly it was just giving a family history, why I am depressed, general get to know me. She seems nice enough. We'll see how it goes. I am in a serious rut! She suggested meds and I told her that I am highly resistant to taking anything. We'll see if she tries to push them again. I wonder if I had a job that I enjoyed if I would even be depressed at all. I know my home life isn't perfect but I don't feel the intense pressure at home, like I do at work. Oh well no need to wonder, I don't have a different job and I won't have one anytime soon unless I get laid off.

I wish it were easier for people to leave comments on this blog. Sorry I would rather have it be hard I guess, rather than let the spam bots leave all of their cute little comments.

Anyone else having a hard time out there, Hang in there!

Career

In order to be in control of your life, you have to have a purpose—a productive purpose … A central purpose serves to integrate all the other concerns of a man's life. It establishes the hierarchy, the relative importance, of his values, it saves him from pointless inner conflicts, it permits him to enjoy life on a wide scale and to carry that enjoyment into any area open to his mind; whereas a man without a purpose is lost in chaos. He does not know what his values are. He does not know how to judge. He cannot tell what is or is not important to him, and, therefore, he drifts helplessly at the mercy of any chance stimulus or any whim of the moment. He can enjoy nothing. He spends his life searching for some value which he will never find.

"Ayn Rand," March 1964.

I don't agree with everything she said and believed, but she summed up my life with the above quote.

Do people's live's really change

If you inherit a lot of money, win the lottery, see an angel, or get rich quick really quick, is it really going to change your happiness level? Aren't you going to be basically the same person as you were before? It seems almost impossible to believe. Especially if you are basically a good person or basically a very bad person then I don't think it will really change you very much. It might provide a small window for change but any common event could provide that possibility for change. thoughts?......

Mental Breakdown

Is a mental breakdown a real thing? How would you know if you are having one? It seems really strange that I would be thinking about this. I am still functioning for the most part. But I really feel very fragile right now. I don't think I would really be pushed over the edge right now, but what if I did...

Life and Time

Time accelerates the older you get. I remember as a kid that it would take forever for Christmas to come. Now as an adult it comes and goes before you know it. It is nice to have something to look forward to. It can't be too far in the future, but just enough. I don't like to schedule vacations too far in advance or I don't get any joy out of waiting and waiting for them to come. Mini-rewards help me to keep going. Must be a weakness of being human, eternity is just beyond my grasp of understanding.

Anxiety

Lately I have been feeling very anxious at work, I think the anxiety is coming from starting a new project, feeling overwhelmed, and not doing much real work. I feel like I could be laid off at a moments notice. I don't know what my family and I would do if I were to be laid off. Our expenses are way too high to be living off of unemployment for very long. I hope that I can get rid of some of this anxiety as I come up to speed on the new project.

What excites you most in life?

Please post what excites you in life in the comments below...

'G' rated only please :-)

For me:

Outdoors
Travel
Kids (some of the time ;-)
Movies
Goodness in others

I love this scripture

1. 2 Ne. 9: 51
   51 Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness.

Improving Life

What is the most important thing you can do to improve your life right now?

Why aren't you doing it?

I remember a speech someone gave about giving up your worst sin. You all probably know what it is. You just need to decide to do it and then set up a plan to do it. Cold Turkey is usually the best, but you need a plan to keep it going.

I would have to say mine is being more productive at work. It is hard to go Cold Turkey when my worst fault/sin is a 40-45 hour a week job. Ouch!

C'est la vie

Moving

It isn't very fun to move. Especially when you are only helping someone move. When you don't have any personal connection to the junk being transported from spot 'A' to spot 'B', it is hard to stay motivated. I have been trying to clean up and get a more clutter-free environment in my home. This recent moving experience has helped reinforce that.

Will I make it?

I don't know if I will be able to make it at my job... I think it is making me crazy. I have to earn an income to support my family. I don't want to change jobs or careers. I have made it this far. Unless I get laid off, I guess I will be able to keep going. I mean what are the chances that I actually have a mental breakdown. Pretty low I think. Do my kids know how unhappy I am? I hope that they can find happiness, and not be affected by my dissatisfaction with life. I seem so selfish, why can't I just be happy... for their sake.

How to take a break from life

First of all if you have many responsibilities it seems impossible doesn't it?

I am not sure you can....

Here are a few ideas I have...

Pick one thing you can change it your life and stick with it. It doesn't have to be big or even something very meaningful. Just the fact that you are consciously taking more control over you life can help.

Take a weekend off. You may need to schedule this with those who rely on you but it can help.

Do something for someone else. I know that I can get pretty wrapped up in myself when I am not feeling well. Trust me there are millions of people in a lot worse of a position than yourself. Just stepping out and helping someone can do wonders for your state of mind.

Meditate/Pray ... try to change the conversation in your mind, even if just for a few minutes. That script that plays in your mind can get old after a while, you can get stuck in a rut, consciously try to change it to a more postitive track even if just for a few minutes.

Exercise, I know I particulary don't like this one, but even if it is walking for a little bit, I know it can help.

Tell someone that you admire how much they mean to you, it will boost them up and in turn boost yourself up!

Any other ideas?

Internet Fast

I think I might be in need of taking some serious time off from surfing the net. Especially at work! It seems that I waste so much time surfing when I have something that I don't want to be doing for work. I wonder what life would be like if I went back to the time when I didn't have the internet.

Thoughts?

After the weekend

I have taken a short hiatus from blogging. I left my computer at work over the weekend.

I was wondering if anyone has ever vacationed in Sark. It looks like a pretty cool place to visit.

I was also wondering what it might be like to buy a farm in the Dominican Republic.

I have been in a funk lately. I don't like it.

Life is still good though, I just need to realize it more often.

I love this essay

I love the essay :

Persuasion vs. Force
by Mark Skousen

Here is an excerpt:

A Vision of an Ideal Society

Martin Luther King, Jr., gave a famous sermon at the Lincoln Memorial in the mid-1960s. In it, King said that he had a dream about the promised land. Well, I too have a vision of an ideal society.

I have a vision of world peace, not because the military have been called in to maintain order, but because we have peace from within and friendship with every nation.

I have a vision of universal prosperity and an end to poverty, not because of foreign aid or government-subsidized welfare, but because each of us has productive, useful employment where every trade is honest and beneficial to both buyer and seller, and where we eagerly help the less fortunate of our own free will.

I have a vision of an inflation-free nation, not because of wage and price controls, but because our nation has an honest money system.

I have a vision of a crime-free society, not because there's a policeman on every corner, but because we respect the rights and property of others.

I have a vision of a drug-free America, not because harmful drugs are illegal, but because we desire to live long, healthy, self-sustaining lives.

I have a vision of an abortion-free society, not because abortion is illegal, but because we firmly believe in the sanctity of life, sexual responsibility, and family values.

I have a vision of a pollution-free and environmentally sound world, not because of costly controls and arbitrary regulations, but because private enterprise honors its stewardship and commitment to developing rather than exploiting the earth's resources.

I have a vision of a free society, not because of a benevolent dictator commands it, but because we love freedom and the responsibility that goes with it.

The following words, taken from an old Protestant hymn whose author is fittingly anonymous, express the aspiration of every man and every woman in a free society.

Know this, that every soul is free

To choose his life and what he'll be;

For this eternal truth is given

That God will force no man to heaven.

He'll call, persuade, direct aright,

And bless with wisdom, love, and light,

In nameless ways be good and kind,

But never force the human mind.