back home from work, adding lexapro

Well, I lasted 1 day back at work. I am off for another month. I added lexapro to my daily regimen of drugs. Very sad.

Going back to work tomorrow

I hope it goes well. I am very apprehensive, but I probably won't have to do much so it shouldn't be too bad. I might have to travel a little bit but that might be a good thing.

Yesterday

yesterday wasn't so bad at work, I was able to stay busy almost the whole day. Today the depression is hitting me pretty bad. I wish i could know if the zoloft is kicking in or not... only 8 days so far. probably to early to tell. I really truly wonder if I would be depressed if I was working somewhere else. I am so sad. Last night was hard at home. I can't be very supportive to my family when i am this sad and down. Will it ever get better.....

zoloft and ativan yipee!

Well I'm now on drugs.. I know it takes a while to find out if the are working.. I sure hope they will. I am so sick of living this way. They never worked well for anyone i know. Hopefully I will be the exception. I have to go back to work next Monday, I am not sure how that is going to turn out. The ativan makes me pretty tired. I am only going to take that one before bedtime.

I can't wait until Monday

I know i will but this has been the longest week of my life. I will see my family doctor for medication. I didn't think i would ever take medication for depression. I don't care anymore. I have to stop feeling this way. I missed most of last week for work. My manager and my mangager's manager are contacting me an making me jump through the hoops for short term disability. I am so afraid this is going to break me and I will never be able to work there again. I hate myself. I know I shouldn't but I do. this is only a moment in time.. it has to get better.

crazy job

my boss doesn't care how good of work I do or if I even do any work... as long as I have a client to bill to he is happy, but not only do I have to bill 40 hours.. he wants me to bill 48.5 hours a week whether I have the work or not.. he says, 'don't lie about your hours.' I can hear him winking over the phone though. I was also told that I have to work enough hours to make up for any vacation that I take.

I am frozen. I don't know what to do. I don't have the energy to do something else or look for something else. I can't earn enough at 99% of the jobs that I could get. Why am I dieing inside. This is insidious.

Work

I told my manager I am depressed and having anxiety attacks at work. I told my mangager that this is affected how much I am able to produce when I am at work. I am really worried about how this is going to affect me. I am only slightly relieved to have it off my chest. I thought I would feel better.

I love this scripture

1. 2 Ne. 9: 51
   51 Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness.